One of Our Members Stories

Submitted by an Anonymous Member of Narcotics Anonymous

I grew up in family of five children and only one parent my mother. My mother worked and went to school at night leaving us in the care of live in babysitters. We were pretty much on our own.

I first found drugs in sixth or seventh grade I believe my first drug was alcohol. After that I just wanted more.

I ran away from home and started hitchhiking all over the country at sixteen. Never really finding a home for any length of time, when things got rough I would just hit the road one more time. I lived in New Orleans, Saint Lewis, Boulder Colorado, San Francisco, Florida, Tucson, and more places than I can mention. Mostly using whatever drugs were available at the time.

I was arrested three times before becoming an adult, each time progressing in charges. The first arrest was in Arizona for a roach, the second in Palm Beach Florida for an ounce the third in Lincoln Nebraska for 370 lbs of weed. Every time getting off and being sent home to Arizona as a juvenile.

Every time I would return to Arizona I would get back into my drug of choice heroin. Get strung out and take another geographical cure. When I turned eighteen I was in Boulder Colorado strung out once again. On my eighteenth birthday and I found myself on the steps of the methadone clinic. I had to be sick to prove I was an addict in order to get my first legal dose of methadone. I never thought that was where I would be on my eighteenth birthday but there I was.

By the time I was nineteen I found out I was pregnant and made a decision to have this baby. She probably saved my life. After having my daughter I got a job through a government program as an apprentice jeweler. Still using but with a little more normalcy and stability than before.

I ended up in southern California working in a jewelry store using and once again finding a connection with my drug of choice. Caught another habit and no longer being able to work, I found it easier hustling turning tricks or whatever I could do to use. Once again it didn’t take long to hit a bottom.

This time I got arrested for being under the influence of narcotics. I went to Ventura county jail in June of 1984, kicked in jail for five days then released. When I got out jail my family had rescued my daughter and sent her to my mothers in Arizona. The eviction notice was on the door, the electricity off, and the house had been ransacked.

I once again ran away this time home to Arizona to my estranged father’s home in Phoenix. I found myself in a Christian group sitting in a circle where everyone was sharing about their problems (much different than mine). When it was my turn to share I said that I couldn’t stop using heroin. The facilitator rushed me into an office and started to make phone calls on my behalf. He called a couple treatment centers all of which wouldn’t work for me and my very “busy schedule”. One of the programs gave me the hotline number for Narcotics Anonymous.

I called the hotline and the guy who answered happened to be a guy I went to high school with and use to use with. I know today that was a miracle the first of many more to come. I went to my first meeting in a park on a Sunday. I stayed clean for a couple of weeks then used one last time.

I took a job as a jeweler but just couldn’t hang, I felt somehow unworthy. So I took a job as a cocktail waitress in a strip club. One night I made a lot in tips and used to celebrate. I was miserable. NA had ruined my using. It took me three more weeks to come back to the program. I felt a lot of shame and couldn’t bring myself to come back to meetings. Not understanding that the most natural thing for an addict was to use. Not getting that “keep coming back” meant even if you used.

It was a newcomer relationship that got me back to meetings, another miracle. This is when my recovery began. The relationship didn’t last , but I am grateful for it just the same. I got a call from a jeweler in Tucson for a job interview and moved to Tucson. It was in Tucson I took my thirty day key tag. That was August first 1984 and I have never found it necessary to use again.

I put my whole life into Narcotics Anonymous, I got a home group and went to as many meetings that were available in Tucson and on days there were no meetings I started meetings. I started being of service in my home group, then by the time I was six months clean I got involved in H&I. I got involved in our Area then in the region.

I had a couple of different sponsors early on, writing my steps. My first fourth step I sat on for quite a while ending up sharing it with a friend. I was too full of shame to share it with my sponsor. This prompted me to get a new sponsor. This sponsor I stayed with for the next ten years until she passed away.

I continued to be of service where ever I could. I worked with the H&I committees both at a regional and area level. I worked on our first convention, Chaired two of our regional conventions. I was privileged to represent our region at three world service conferences.

I had the perfect NA wedding, my husband and I sponsoring, conventioning, fellowshipping and serving in NA. By this time my career had taken off and I owned my own jewelry store. My dreams were all becoming a reality. My marriage was okay but had its problems.

That first sponsor that I was so intimidated by had long since become my closest friend, my confidant. My daughter was a teenager which came with its own set of problems. I worked the steps. I got extra help and worked on other issues. I was doing all the right things. I really thought that I had “arrived”.

I turned forty and celebrated ten years clean. That was when everything changed. I had an affair with a married man. My sponsor had passed away after a long illness and I was devastated. I still had my closest friend who helped to carry through the insanity. I was in an altered state, stark raving clean. My best friend suggested I call her sponsor who I had known since I got clean. She knew me well and said she would sponsor me. She loved me unconditionally we worked the steps she never judged my behaviors. She just helped me to work through the pain.

The man I had an affair with and I had a history. We used together and he had been an obsession for many years. I believed he was my soul mate. I left my husband, he never left his wife. We were both clean, he didn’t go to meetings but I did, I tried for many years to get him to attend meetings he wouldn’t. The affair went on and off for ten years. I couldn’t seem to put this one down.

Little by little I found my self more and more isolated from the fellowship. I still kept daily contact with my closest friend and sponsor. My home group lost its meeting place and closed. This didn’t help, my meeting attendance slowed down to almost nil.

There was a point when my sponsor and another concerned friend met me for lunch and brought me a copy of the “It Works How and Why” work book. They later told me how worried they were about me. I made a commitment to attend one meeting a week an attempt to recommit to my program. I soon after picked up another meeting, then two. I became group secretary in this home group he became the treasurer.

The married guy had started to attend meetings with me he had 19 years clean with no program. I introduced him to the men in the program, he got a sponsor. Christmas came and he asked me to marry him, gave me a nice diamond ring, said he was leaving his wife. My dream of him joining NA finally came true. I was high, I was in an altered state just not using chemicals. I was engaged to a married guy. Again I had “arrived”.

Be careful what you pray for, like they say you just might get it. I guess the program started working for him too. The pressure became too much for both of us, he couldn’t leave his marriage and I couldn’t stay in the relationship. Things came to a head and we split up completely.

I truly didn’t think I could go on. My whole life and thinking was centered in him in one way or another. I knew I couldn’t use. I was hurt, angry, scared and I wanted to die. I was afraid for my life. I considered homicide and suicide. Jails institutions and death clean. This is when my recovery really began all over again.

I did the only thing I knew to do, I ran. I ran to an old friend in Southern California. I stayed with her for three weeks, I started to write. I got out the work book and wrote the first step using him as my drug. I kept daily contact with my best friend and my sponsor at home. I emailed my first step to my sponsor. Then my second step, and on and on. I had to write.

There is a question in the first step in the workbook under reservations page six. “Is there something I think I can’t get through clean some event that might happen that will be so painful that I’ll have to use to survive the hurt?” Using to me would also be contacting him. This fear was if he were to come to our convention with his wife. Our convention was one month after our break up. My fear became a reality. I stayed clean through it, I had no contact and I didn’t die.

After the convention I went to a retreat for a week. I had to redesign my program and my meetings. I had to redesign my support system there were now meetings I did not feel safe at. I needed to stay away from him. I was like a newcomer at 19 years clean. I cried in meetings, but I showed up to at least two a day. I sought though desperation the support of the members of NA.

At 50 years old I was attending the young peoples meeting and any meeting I felt safe at. I had to find a new home group. I am of service in that home group still today. I started sponsoring again, working with newcomers and continue to work the steps with my sponsor. I gradually got better. I went back to work and started participating in my own life. I work hard on my spiritual program always finding new methods of prayer meditation. Pain is a great motivator. Slowly the obsession and compulsions had been lifted.

Little by little I started rediscovering myself, learning how to be alone and actually liking it. I take myself fly-fishing on a regular basis, this is my church one of my ways to meditate. I spend quality time with my daughter and family. I am present for the first time in years.

I have two women in my life who have been my closest friends for over 20 years. One here, and the other in Southern California. We have grown up together in this fellowship. They have saved my life more than once. As my one girlfriend says “find someone you can dance with” sooner or later they will save your life.

Life is defiantly different than it has ever been, without the drama and the extreme highs and lows. But I am getting used to it and liking it. It has been two years since the relationship ended. I am happier than I have ever been in my life.

I know today I can stay clean through anything, and find a better way of life.

Thank you Narcotics Anonymous.

Brenda's Story

Hi, my name is Brenda and I'm a addict. As of today, I have 40 days clean, and I find myself still thinking about using drugs. I am 50 years old this September, and have been drinking and using drugs for 37 years. I attend NA meetings regularly and I share. I go to church on Saturdays and read the Bible sometimes, and also pray everyday to God and Jesus to help me stay clean for that day.

Its not easy cause my life was centered on using drugs anyway I could, and now I'm trying to live without the use of drugs. I couln't stand myself anymore when I was using. I would get real paranoid and think the cops were coming, and do the drugs really fast before they came or hide them or flush them, it was getting really insane.

Then after the drugs were all gone I would always try to get more anyway I could. Lying, stealing, getting fronts, hitchhiking, taking 3 hour bus rides, riding my bike for 10 miles,etc. I would sell myself and my soul for just one more hit. I was losing my mind. This was a everyday thing for years. Yes I would do other stuff, but when I had a dollar or two I would be right back at it again.

By the grace of God and good luck I havn't got arrested. I did get arrested once back in 1990 and did violate my probation and spent 6 months in Jail. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I got caught up in the grip.

Today I finally got a sponsor who I can call when I have a problem and she will listen to me and advice me. I'm still on step1. I spent so many years getting high I can spend my time with each step so I get it. I don't want to die or go to jail or go into a Rehab I have to do what I have to do to stay clean.

Sometimes it seems scary because there seems to be a force out there who is trying to trip me up like putting temptation in my path. So I will pray some-more and go to another meeting tonight so I can stay clean for another day cause I know just one more little bitty hit will get me started on my self-destructive path again.

I can stand myself as I am today. I'll hate myself again if I use anymore drugs, and I'll want to die. So whoever reads this letter please say a little pray for me and I'll say one for you. God-bless You.

Brenda

Gay's Story

Hello. My name is Gay St. and I am an addict.

Like so many addicts-in-the-making, my childhood was miserable. My parents were very young and immature when I was born and both were badly abused as children. Convinced they had to maintain a "normal" American family image, they abused me and my three younger brothers and forced us all into a pact of silence in order to present a certain picture to the world. Because no one - no extended family members, teachers, etc. - seemed to notice how disfunctional and crazy my family was, I thought the world was filled with nothing but stupid, blind people who didn't care at all about the horrors of reality as I knew it. My philosophy of life, from a very early age, was this : you can do whatever you want to do, as long as you go to great lengths to cover it up. I became convinced that all the so-called "goodness" in the world was only a cover-up for great evils. As a small child, I would spend hours peeking through the windows of people's houses, spying on them to see what they were "really'" like. Sometimes I saw the most surprising things...mainly that most people seemed pretty unhappy. I was always in trouble at school, but I made really good grades, so the schools never knew what to do with me. My father worked for a company that moved us around a lot, so I didn't care very much what anyone at school thought of me, always knowing I would be moving soon anyway. I never felt I belonged anywhere and though I usually had a few friends where ever I was living, I really liked being alone most of the time. I loved animals and nature and spent most of my time running around in the woods, collecting tadpoles and rocks and thing like that. I learned how to save baby birds that had fallen out of their nests. I spent hours feeding them and teaching them to fly. One of my greatest thrills was watching a little bird finally fly away. I wanted to be one of those birds so badly.

When I was twelve, I did my first drug. It was strawberry mescaline and I did it at school. I took as many hits of it as the kid who sold it to me would give me and I tripped for a couple of days. I saw all the Dr. Suess characters from One fish, Blue Fish and The Cat In The Hat, alive and dancing and talking to me. My parents didn't seem to notice anything was any different about me than usual, but then again, my entire family was deeply in denial. After that, I did any drug I could lay my hands on. I dropped acid at least three or four times a week for years, smoked pot, drank alcohol, snorted coke and heroin, prescription drugs, inhalants - basically, you name it, I did it. I saw people die, but nothing could slow me down.

Finally, I started shooting drugs. I became a stone cold junkie immediately and all the while, I was still able to make it through school and hold down jobs, so I could buy drugs, of course. I had one job as a waitress in a family restaurant and I would show up at work, wearing a short sleeved waitress uniform with track marks up and down my arms, smeared with make-up and no one ever seemed to notice. At 5ft. 9in. I weighed about 90lbs. and no one ever said anything to me, even though I must have looked like hell. I began staying away from home for days at a time. My father disowned me and told me he would never send me to college. I didn't care.

I met my first husband while I was in High School. He was a good deal older than me and was a really talented singer in a band. I got him hooked on needles, we got married and started committing burglaries with other addicts and within four months of our wedding day, he had a terrible car accident, a head-on with an eighteen wheeler. At the hospital, they ran some tests and found that he had massive amounts of narcotics in his blood. He never regained conciousness and died in a coma nine months later. Though I never touched needles again, I still kept using - anything and everything.

I somehow managed to get some scholarships and went to college. I made decent grades, kept getting one little scholarship after another, got married again, this time to an alcoholic, but woke up one morning and just walked out the door and never looked back.

I dropped out of college and got a job making a fair amount of money and started going really wild. I had an affair with a married man, broke up his marriage, married him, then divorced him and all this by the ripe old age of twenty four. I just kept doing more and more drugs and drinking like mad. I moved to NYC and found an insane lifestyle that fit me perfectly. The bars were open twenty-four hours, the drugs were everywhere and I had a high paying job that tolerated, even encouraged "funtional drug addiction". I knew junkies that were running multi-million dollar companies. I knew movie stars with huge drug habits. I would stay out all night and stumble into work the next morning, having never gone home to change clothes. I was arrogant and ruthless. I drank and smoked pot all day, just to maintain, then would go on crazy binges with crackheads for weekends at a time, spending thousands of dollars. I got on planes and flew around to "cool" party destinations. Many people thought I had a great life, but it was total shit. I was completely bankrupt - physically, mentally and spiritually.

I finally ended up in a mental institution and after I was released, stayed clean for five years. I went to AA for the first year, but couldn't lose the feeling that I really didn't belong there, so I stopped going to meetings and never worked the steps. Then I went back out.

The next ten years were a nightmare. I kept sliding gradually downhill and tried to kill myself, but I still didn't stop using. I believed my father was right after all when he said I was a "hopeless case". I got married again and moved to the proverbial middle of nowhere and after totalling my car and some other disgraceful adventures, I called a friend that I knew had recently joined a local AA group and asked her to take me to a meeting. I still didn't feel at home there, but I was desperate. Then, by the grace of God, someone started a NA group. I hesitated at going, for some unknown reason. As I look back, I think it was probably because I knew in my heart that going to NA would be the end of using and I was so afraid of life without drugs.

I am now over one year clean. I have worked the steps one through eight and am gradually working on number nine. The freedom and love for life I feel is unbelievable. It has been really hard, especially the fourth step, but God has given me the strength to make it through. The love and understanding I get from my sponsor and the other people at NA is the most lovely thing in the world. I have a sponsee. I do service work. I no longer believe the world is an evil place and I've been able to forgive my parents and, most importantly, myself for all the terrible things we've all done. I see now that to err is human, but to forgive is divine. The world is unfolding now in the most spectacular fashion, one little clean day at a time.

I hope and pray this for all addicts still suffering. Surrender. Go to meetings. Get a sponsor. Work the steps and pray (to anything). NA offers you a beautiful new life, if you'll work for it.

Gratefully,

Gay St.

my name is Ivone and guess what? i am an addict i dont know how to tell u my life story, so, i am going to do in Portuguese NA way its the way i know and i am sorry for the english but i am better !

i was born in lisbon 1972....Portugal not Spain,lol.... i growp up without father and watching my mother seaking for my father and fight because we didnt have money. powerless, frustration and anger was with me since i was very little. we didnt have money to eat so i had to go everyday to churche to take the rest fo priest food. i do remember the shame about it, i do remember that shame was the same when i had to go to school with room shoes.

i grow up in lies and everyone was telling me what i should do or who i should like, or who i should be. i was forbidden to play with other childrens,i was forbidden to play with toys because i could broken it, i was forbidden to say i like my father. in school they told my mothe ri had to go to a special school because i was always with my mind away, thinking in something they couldnt find out...

NA taugh about it...obsession, confusion. was what was happening at that time. the girls didnt play with me because i was poor and was fat...so guess who accept me? boys of course in school i just play with boys and boys games, like playing ball. later i was sent to special school where they put me with defect poeple... i do remember how sacre was watching them having atacks. at that age 6 years old i knew it i didnt belong there, but i was confused.

i started wanting a ID and i couldnt find any.....my father wasnt there and my mother was with her problems and at that time i knew it i didnt want be like my mother. i wanted to ####, i was full of anger and i wanted to show i was in world and i wanted to have a ID , so i started to look for it an di found out... madonna was my reference of life..i do remember my ex counselor told me one day madonna became my mother and father.

the mess was up my mind was still close...i dindt know i was a confused and obssesion person at that time, so, i couldnt learn in school...so i became the rebell in school. no one couldnt stand me. when school stared i went to sit in back room and after 1 month i was in front near of teacher and alone.

today i understand what was that....i started to think i couldnt understand because i was stupid, so i had to find a way to no one find out it... be rebell make me be know as the wild and rebell but no one was saying: she is stupid..dahhhh i was in need to belong to somewhere , didnt know what and where, so i try to be punk, heavy,all kind of waves, but nothing could satisfay me. i was very shy, i never know what to talk, or how to be, or have a conversation with someone. i saw people having conversations and walking without shame, but me...i just couldnt. i was mad with world.

now the drugs..... one day i was in a dancer place and i saw a junkie and i remember i though: i wanna meet u because u r going to take me where i want now. so i got married and i became a drug addict.

the trust relationship with drugs started at first time i used.how? when i got stoned i saw myself with a lot of conversation, walking without shame,etc...so since then i knew it if i have to do this just will work if i use first.. to be with a man i had to use first, to go a job entreview i had to use first, to had a conversation i had to use first,so, all became like...i always i had to use first to be what i wanted to be and not who i was, because i hate who i was.

i became a mess. the anger was more, the shame was more, the frustration was more,the pain was more.... i did everything i could to get money to use drugs...i just didnt kill. but in beggining i really believed i belong to there. i really believed that was my place.

what i couldnt believe was...even stone i still feel... i didnt know what was going on with him, i just knew it i had to use more and more. i saw myself in wierd places praying to not be touch or killed. i saw myself be lock in rooms and i just was allow to go with premission of the drug delear. my old friends who i called fammily they started selling me to otheres.. i became a peace of meat. i became very sick...my brain wasnt working.

My conversations when i was using was just one: why i am white and not black? i want to be black not white..can u imagine the craziness? i was mad with my skin collor... my addcition made me think i was ok because i still had teeth my addiction made e think i was ok because i was living in street because was my choice my fake pride made me think i was the first girl who men pic up because i was the most beautifull my arrongance made me think i could stop wherever i wanted and come back again and again my low selfestim made me think i was deserving all of that and i believed i was diending my addiction and insanaty was until de point i didnt like the falvor of drugs, or when i stared to think right away i started vomit and i fixed that with candy.. smoking and have kinds at same time

i became a suicidal person... one day i woke up in hospital and i couldnt believe i was alive...so i said: what a f...i am alive? u m..f... i run out and after half hour i was there again to be bring to life. i woke up again and started to scream and said bad nomes i was so crazy i puted a blanket in my body and went to emergency room ask for cigarets. after someone told me: u should go to NA i repley: go yourself as..h...

i just calm down when doctor cae over me and told me i was pregnat. the only thing i though at that day was: pregnat? humm, i can use that to get money to use:( i finished my days in a room with pillows to crazy people and wearing a thing to not hurt myself,(i dont know the name of that in english) i was there because the governmant wrote down a file saying i couldnt have that child because i was crazy so i should go to hospital to get an abortion.

hum hum..i am not ok right now... funny..i can share, i can use the tools but r things i know today i wont forget and still brings pain.

NA humm my beautiful NA i went to NA by mistake, lol i went there to see if i could find a guy i got interesting that guy was speaking about NA at that time, and after i loose him..dindt know where he could be , so i remind..maybe he is in NA.... so i asked to my doctor what was NA and where was. my first meeting i shared:) can u imagine what i said? lol my name is ivone but the people know me as cocaine girl now i remember this with a smile.

i dint know what was NA but i liked it! because people was smiling to me and can u imagine they clap when i got the jft???!!!!wow they clap to me:) i felt accept, so for me was,,,at that time..now i want to be NA. the word was new..jft.kcb, let it let god, etc..so like before i had to learn to be punk, or heavy, now i should learn speak like an NA even if i didnt have a clue about what i was talking.

i became a person who hiddes herself in NA words my first 3 months was ok....i was feeling alive..so i spend 3 months going to disco everyday. after 3 months the funny was over,,,,i started feel wierd things,like.....shame, without converstation, isolation, anger,cry and more cry, be in abuse situations where i became the use and abuse.

i didnt know what was going on, i did know i was became the ivone i didnt want to. my fake pride made me say: oh f....... al of this i a going back to use again. and i went but before of that when i got there i started becoe confused....not sure about use or not again. i stayed half hour thinking about: go use or call to someone in NA.....i dint call because my pride was so big. i was there already so i though would be a weaknees giveing up of using again.

after 3 days i found out something....i was doing the same things and acting in same way..nothing new... sometimes i hear people saying this like an unbelieve thing,like...how come i did the same things right away??? because like in everything in life i learned how to still how to manipulate how to get money to use ore and more,so i have a past with drugs, and when i relepsed after 22 months of clean i already knew what to do to get drugs..simple as that.

after 3 days i came back to NA.. gave my key tags and i FELT frustartion, feeling tired just to think I HAVE TO START EVERYTHING AGAIN, with a feeling of loosing, shame, guilty, confusion,afraid more weak than b4... i ran out of meeting thinking: i am weak, i wont recover, i am a lost case 2 girls started ran after me and took me back to meeting... keep comming back ivone,,, we love u....

yes..was good hear that...is like today....even when i dont love myself someone in NA loves me and will tell me even when i dont have faith in me, someone in NA has and tell me even when i fight with people in NA they still tell me welcome and support me (that was for u Diane ) see, i find wierd ways sometimes to say people i am sorry:)

i started went to meetings again but after 3 months i made a decision.... i am going to treatement was my first time i became to belive when i arrived there my counselor came over me and told me: i will be your counselor.. i repley: ok...so now u have to give me the first step and after the 2 others one and after that u will have to give me the book of selfestim because u have to give me ansewers i want to know who i am and i am going to tell u everything about me because like that u can work on me he said: calm down girl after 22 months they told me i was ready to go..what i repley: no..i am going to stay more 6 months. i learn and change more.

lol IMAO this was funny... i remeber that ivone with a smile:) i was desperate.. i wanted recovery in my life i was trying to come home like perfect i had very shame about my relepsed, so i wanted return perfect...reprogram,lol i came back home... and people stared cry when they saw me because a miracle was happening....i was sit down already for 5 minuts and i was calm with other way

my first job was selling ice cream in a bomb station watching girls like me comming with their cars i wanted that to me i started learn how to wear, how to make up,how to behaiovor, having my car,my house, my money,service work because that was the suggetion, going to meetings everyday . my first 6 years was like that, meetings service work and be the first to hidde from newcomer because at that time i was sacare of newcommer because i didnt have anything to give, i didnt know what to talk with them. like service...i did because that was the suggestion or because my friends was there or because i wanted to know like the the woman with a good recovery, the good speaker, the good telling to others what to do, because i knew it everything...arrogant...fake pride....

step work? for what? my life was good...money, boyfriend,car,fashion clothes...convention??? oh ok i will go..to show portugal i a the most beautifull woman in NA... can u belive i spend 6 years in this empty process??? yeah its true after 6 years i was so empty so ungreatfull so miserable.... i already spoke about that so many times...today i can say was ok...was my process... i didnt have anything and i stared buliding the outside of ivone

today i said its ok because i am doing different;) i started read NA literature, and everything was make sence i looked to the preambls and i saw : who is an addict..... until HOW IT WORKS....IF U WANT WHAT WE HAVE SO DO IT:) now with 8 years i am about to do my first step 5

today i dont hidde from newcommer because today i feel in my heart i have something to give and i found out an interesting thing: the newcommer is the best way to tell me how i am at moment in my recovery today i care today i do service work because i care today i share with others the NA way because i care since i am doing step work i feel more cofident, with more hope and faith and i am so greatfull, more secure like if i walk in this life with a protection named 12 steps

NA has been teach me recovery its a slow process i found out i am a woman with 34 years old and i am also i a woman in recovery. was one of the most beautifull things i found out in recovery. today i am full because i feed my inside with NA way before NA i was a blind walking without know where to go or to do or why NA gave me ivone back i got sick of hearing me saying: oh God help..... God already help me when he helped me find NA rooms...now its my time to continue His job. how? simple...carrying the message to other one

i am in love for NA like person i am still unperfect:) ivone is not easy:) my friends tell me that,lol , but isnt impossible, sometimes i a just a scary girl pretending i am very strong i found out i feel passion for life, i dont want to die like before when i was using drugs. i found out more i give to otheres more comes back to me if i give love i will get love, if i give misery i will give misery, if i use people, people will use me, if i share NA way i will keep NA way, if i dont share i will loose it, if i do step work i will get healthy, if i dont do i will get sickeness if i´ll be dishonety i will get no help if i hidde, people wouldnt be able to find me and give me the help i need

my recovery isnt perfect... i already did the most insanaty things but i also already did good things i already lost persons, money, house,myself, but i keep going because NO MATTER WHAT I DONT NEED TO USE AGAIN and come back to that misery of life. when i got 6 years i lost everything,but i didnt give up and in the middle of this process ata the end i found something...ME, the Ivone

i found because even in pay with all of those lost i stay..one day at time yes, was a misery, but also i usually think something....if i had to went through that to become the person i am today, so i am greatfull for that. its good and a relive when i think i am the most sick people in universe and other addict gives me identification its good to know where i am and where i am going its i be able to walk without body pain of drugs its good to be able to have a shower its good sleep in a bed its good be able to see the sun its good to have a family named NA its good have myself its good all feelings i can feel because it can teach me a lot its good to know my spiritualy focus had change....now my spiritualy focus isnt drugs....now my spiritualy focus its NA its good have a choice today NA its my choice

THANK U GOD
THANK U NA

Ivone from Portugal

Kerri's Story

My name is Kerri and I'm an addict.

As a child I can remember growing up and walking in my mom and dad's bedroom to watch my dad smoke pot and my aunt patty snort cocaine up her nose. I was only 3 years old when it happened.

I was brought up in a abusive home where my mother didn't know how to show love for me. She was pretty much ashamed of me so through the years i isolated into a depressed kid who didn't know crap. When I reached Junior High I stayed abstinence from drugs but i don't think i knew about the 12 steps or the NA program or I knew but didn't care.

My parents were divorced so i ended up living with my dad because my mom's abuse was so bad i couldn't take it that was in July 23,1994. My dad remarried and I didn't like his new wife that well. When i was just 16 years of age i started mulitating myself to release pain and that was a start of my drug addiction even though i wasn't yet diing drugs for years to come.

When I was 21 years of age I started experminting with pot, and pain medication and got addicted to the Xanax that the doctor gave me for anxiety. Also I was drinking on top of it on a daily basis. My oldest son was a year and a half and had to live with his grandfather because my drug addiction to pain medication got really bad. Boy was I pissed.

Then in October 2, 2002 I found out that I was pregnant with my second child and that was when my drug addiction took off. I went over a friend's house and smoked some pot when I was in my 3rd month of pregnancy because i believed it would get the baby to quit kicking. It did alright and scared me shitless. I decided enough was enough of the pot because i was having an ultrasound and didn't want to have a deformed child so i put it down but it was hard.

In my 4th month of pregnancy I started drinking alcohol on a daily basis and that continued up until the baby was born and the baby was premature and couldn't stay warm. When Matthew was 2 months old I took a job as a stripper so I could have money for diapers and food but i used that money to drink and drug on. Finally my boss caught me and i got laid off.

My child got put in CPS custody because of my drinking and drugs and i was told that i should get off the alcohol and drugs . So I tried the alcohol and drug treatment through FMRS where I live so the judge would get off my back but when the counselor kept telling me what i didn't want to hear i dropped out and relapsed.

That was the 1st time. I was 22 years old and thought I knew it all. When I walked into Narcotics Anoymous and saw a bunch of addicts I thought "Boy, You're nuts if you think I'm going to stay here." My mother-in-law was staying in the halfway house where i lived and i thought she was nuts for being there. I had 10 months then and thought i was cured .

My 2nd time i relapsed i went to a friend's house in Coal City and started to drink a mountain dew but i saw my husband and his friends drinking aftershock and decided that i had to have some of that so i put my soda down and begged my husband to let me drink. He told me that I could have only one and I drank the whole bottle along with the bottle of Jack Daniels, and the Irish Creme. The next day i was hung over and got sick so i vomited and drank again when my husband wasn't in the room . Boy was he pissed when he found out.

The 3rd,4th,5th,6th,7th was on Stratteras where i took a whole hand full and ended up in ICU at BARH for 48 hours so they could monitor my heart and my blood pressure because the amount that I took made my blood pressure go up. Then it was off to psych for a week. I hated those loonies because I overdosed . I wasn't crazy or so I thought. I was mad because they had no NA meetings but I survived in group therapy.

The 8th time I relapsed was on Zonegrams and Geodons and I ended up in ICU for monitoring of my heart for damage and psych for suicidal watch for 3 days.

I am happy to say that by my calander I have 100 days and I thank God for it

Kerri

My name is Roger addict and this is what happened and what its like now. I was raised in addiction from and early age I found out how important drinking was and partying was I though that is how you had fun and how to be accepted by others.

I had my first drink about 5 and by 10 I was shooting speed and taking any other drug I could get my hands on. The older I got the crazier I got I didn’t care about you or anyone else.

You know you wouldn't think things could get more out of control but it did. My using even got worse when we got where we lived. These shacks you could see through the wall because we couldn't afford to live any where else and even then, we couldn't buy food for the kids most of the time.

I then stole my dad's pick up and kid-napped my sister and called my mom and dad and told them if they didn't give me some money I was going to hurt her. So they did as I asked because they had no idea what I may do because I no longer cared about me or anyone else. I kept beating my wife and a few years later she had to leave to someone's house next door and needless to say we broke up. Then not to long after that I went to this lady's house that I had met in the bar and stayed.

The next morning I went next door to get sugar and I met my wife number 2. I found out she was a bar tender and stayed. This relationship was just the other way around, she abused me and it got crazy there to. I got her started on the needle but I was making great money. I worked in the oil field.

This was the first time I went to treatment it was about 1980, but back then they would just dope you up. But I finally started up again. We were drinking two half gal a week on top of all the dope. Well she ended up sleeping with my best friend and she left.

From there my using got even worse. I moved in with a friend. I got where I kept5 or 6 needles with gram shoots in them for the day and then we had the pills and drinking on top of that. I had over 750 dollars a day problem. I was so bad I did a shoot and my ex-wife was there. My eyes rolled in the back of my head and I turned gray and hit the floor. The next thing I knew, someone was beating on my chest trying to get me to come around and so I moved so I wouldn't use anymore.

Well, in about a week I was at it again I could smell it out. All I had really done was change where I lived. Then I over dosed . I started drinking more than ever then. I went to treatment again they almost poured me in the center. I was in detox 12 days and stayed another 36 days.

They put me on antabuse and I did fine for awhile. Then I started planning my drunks because I was hurting still and it was the only way I knew how to fix it. Then I went to treatment again and stayed 60 days. But I drank again. So my thinking was I would go back to school and get a good job and things would be ok. But when I got there I started using speed and drinking again.

I would go to the motel where the clud was and get a room full the bath tub up with beer and drink long island teas for 6 or 7 days and do dope. I would lock myself in the room and not come out. I have no idea how I passed. I graduated with honors. But I was nuts. I got a good job but the dope man always seemed to smell me out and I lost that job.

I couldn't pay my bills so I moved again to another state. My mom and dad was there. I stayed sober for a while but my dad liked to drink with me. I had turned it down many times. Then I got this great idea. I didn't have a problem with wine coolers and in a couple of weeks I had two DUI's which was number 12. So I lost my job again and changed jobs again.

Went to work for a town where I was putting in a service and parts department. I took care of over 400 cars and trucks and things. Well I got 2 more DUI's and lost that job. So I went to Napa. They were going to give me my own store but my drinking was getting worse. I went to one of the guys house that worked with me drunk on my ass. I woke up in his bath tub without anything on and couldn't figure out how I got there. Needless to say I went to work the next day and got fired.

You know I was hiding bottles all over the house and there was only two of us. Me and my son. Who I was hiding it from I don't know today. I was going to this treatment center to dry out on Friday night and going home the next day but I always had a bottle by the back door in the bushes and this went on for months. Till one night I came and they locked my ass in. I lost everything I owned everything down to the smallest thing.

Well I spent 14 days in detox before I got where they didn't have to keep a watch on me. I spent 30 days there and they was going to put me out on the street because my family did even want to see or hear from or how I was. So I went to a halfway house for two years.

I came back to Oklahoma in 1990 in 4 months. I went back out. I had about 2 years clean. I used for couple of months and it got so bad I didn't want to live no more. I had been saving up mental health meds, so one day I went and got a bottle and all the pills I had which was about 800 and I set on the side of my bed and started taking them. I waited about 45 min's and called my sponsor and started telling him how sorry I was for what I had done and that I wouldn't be seeing him anymore. It took him sometime to get it out of me what I had done and I hung up and layed down to die.

The next thing I knew we was going through this town here in a ambulance and I heard them say "go through hot we are losing him and they were hooking up all kinds of stuff. Then I woke up tied to the bed 3 days later. They had been pumping my stomach the whole time. They finally had to run my blood machine to get the level down because I was dieing.

When I woke up my mom was sitting by the bad crying and I looked her in the face pissed as I could get and said this is not what I wanted, to still be alive. Well I got out of there and spent 3 months in a mental hospital and I got clean for 6 1/2 years and went back out.

It looks like I would have learned what my addiction was going to do to me. There was a few reasons I went back out. I was doing so much service I didn't have time for me anymore and I got too smart. I had sold books and stuff for my area and state for almost 5 years, go to prisons to take meetings in, working on learning days stuff in other states and setting up reviews for new books and stuff.

Needless to say I got burned out and I stopped doing something that I needed to do. I had never been willing to do more than steps one through three. Even if I did know what the book says. I stayed out for 5 years about or in and out.

Then I was dry for two years and sicker than a dog. No one could stand to be around me. I was in and out of ER's from overdose's and mental hospitals the whole time. It finally got so bad I lost a whole week. I was eating my dinner off the floor. My wife finally called and ambulance and I spent the next three days seeing old men in corners and mice on my bed and I cleaned up again. But at 7 months I was still trying to do things my way and ended up in treatment center number ten.

I was there 8 1/2 months. I did my first 4th step there and I had something that came up on it and they took it away from me and wouldn't let me have it back for 4 months. What had come up was something I made alright to do and because I didn't see myself that way. I had sex with three ladies. They said no, I said too damn bad and this really hit me hard. I was in the middle of depression over it for a couple of months. I finally got it finished and did my 5th step and we talked a lot about it. I was 15 with the first one.

I can say today, that god has removed that person from my life. Today with the help of the steps and god in my life its as different as night and day. Now I answer the phone for a crisis center for rape and abused women. I am on call once a week. Its a way for me to try to make right some of the wrong I have done. I hope the ladies understand where I was at when all this stuff happened.

Thanks guys for letting me share this. I really needed to. Hugs everybody from roger

Where I am at today. I go to meetings when I can and do a lot of service work, I work the steps on paper and I do my utmost to give back what I have taken and what was so feely given to me. I go out of the way to help someone that is in pain and let them see what recovery will do for them and their life. I go on 12 step calls to phone calls and call my sponsor. I just have faith that if I give god my will and my life he will show me the way to a better way of life.

Today I have over 4 1/2 years clean and am happier than I have ever been in my life, There is life after the crazyness of addiction . It has been proven to be so for me . Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

Hugs roger

Scotty's Story

My name is Scotty. I am an addict.

Here is a little about me. I was raised in Calif. I starting getting loaded at a young age. Both of the parents were drug addicts. I had rough childhood. What I remember of my childhood - we moved around a lot. My mother would leave me at someone’s house for days. I always felt like an outsider.

My father died when I eight years old. I felt lost. I remember shutting down. I would not let any one get close. I was scared and felt alone. By this time my mother was locked up in C.R.C. I had to live with my aunt. There was a lot of drinking, she and my uncle did. And there was a lot of abuse. I felt god hated me. I lived there for two and a half years. My mother had gotten out of C.R.C. I went back to live with her. She was still getting loaded. My mom used to smoke pot with me. When I was stoned, I could escape from the things going on in my life. I grew up feeling no emotion. I was taught not to show feelings. I would stuff my feelings. I never felt love from my mother.

She never said, "I love you." or shared any emotion. I felt that she hated me. As I got older, drugs became part of my life. I would use to escape so I did not have to feel the pain I carried aroudn with me. I started getting in trouble. I hated my home life. I made friends with gang members. It was the first time I felt support from a bunch of guys. It was the first time I felt a part of something. Still getting loaded and drinking.

I ran away from home. Hanging out with my home boys, getting loaded and drunk. I had to stuff my feelings of pain. I would take out on anyone that got in my way. I stayed loaded for years. I began going to jail. I felt everyone was against me. I was full of anger and rage. I started selling drugs. I started to carry a gun. I started doing things I said I would not do. I tried to get a job and tried to stop using but I could not stop using and I would lose that job. My life was insane. I thought it was normal to feel the way I do. Here I was, thinking I can control my life, all I need was to stop dealing. I was full of so much pain, full of resentment, anger. I hated the world. I went to a meeting of AA when I was fifteen. I thought they were full of bullshit. I had been in and out of jails since I was a kid. The only life I knew was getting high. I ran from my feelings for years. When I turned eighteen and was still dealing and still feeling so alone. I woudl use drugs and didn’t feel alone anymore.

In 1983, still shooting drugs and living out of motel rooms. I knew I would have to stop. My mother has been clean for two years at that time. She took me to my first NA meeting. I got clean for a week and would get loaded again. I thought I could do this myself. I went in and out of the rooms for years.

In 1987 I finally got willing to change. Went to treatment and I found NA again. This time I did hear what they were saying. I found a sponsor, started working the 12 Steps and going to meetings daily. I found HP and things were changing in my life. I wanted to be clean so bad.

I got into service. My first service position was being a secretary for a group. I would set up for the meeting and make coffee. And when the meeting was over, I could clean up. This made me feel a part of. Then, one day I lost hope and got loaded again. But came back and the Fellowship was there for me. In 2000, I went out again. the disease had me believe if I got loaded and my life would be ok. I started to believe my own lies. I went to jail again. While I was in jail, I got to go to meetings and there again I found hope and I knew I needed to change the way I was living. I moved to Arizona and found NA again. I went to meetings daily and did service. I found home again.

Today, my recovery is bliss. I found HP and God of my understanding. Today I don’t have to be afraid of my feelings or fear. Today, I can recover. I am blessed with many gifts in recovery. I share e-s-h with other addicts and it is time to change the way I think of things. My recovery today is I don’t have to get loaded over the pain and my feelings. Today, I can face the fear and recover.....

Hi, I’m Scott and I’m an addict. Hello family, it’s good to be here today. Many of us have the desire to know more about our own roots. That is what has basically guided me to ask a lot of questions, find people out, and talk to them over a period of time to pick-up bits and pieces of the history of Narcotics Anonymous. If there is one thing for sure I’ve been able to figure out is if NA didn’t exist, someone would have to invent it. That is about what did happen in several different places. Some of these places had ties with each other and others were totally independent of each other, but all were about recovery from the disease of addiction.

You know this whole idea of the President’s war on drugs is not a new idea. Back in the Thirties, during prohibition, there was a heavy increase in drug usage. That was especially true for opium, morphine, and heroin. The public was kind of freaked-out over drug crazed maniacs and there were newspaper articles and stuff like that about those kind of things in those days. In fact, I can remember seeing reprints of a poster from the American Brewers’ Association that dated back from 1933 and it talked about reefer madness. All of that came out in the Thirties. In 1933, the Federal Government responded to this public appeal to do something about it, by opening up a U.S. Public Health Service Hospital in Lexington, Kentucky and it was part of the Lexington Kentucky Federal Prison then. Anybody could go to it, it required a court or voluntary committal. If a person thought they needed help from addiction, they could find out about this place, go there, and commit themselves. Truth is though that medical science didn’t have a clue as to what to do with these people when they got there and you can imagine some of the experimentation that went on.

Related closer to our history is in 1947, a fellow (named Houston), who recovered in another well-known Fellowship, believed that their 12-Steps could work for addicts. He had talked to a person who had just been out of that Public Health Service Hospital and he thought he saw a way that he could help them. Then Houston talked to a Dr. Victor Vogel who was the main principle doctor behind the Lexington Hospital. He convinced him that these 12 Steps could work for addicts and Houston offered to help start a group at the hospital.

On February 16, 1947, the first meeting of that group was held and they continued their weekly meetings for over twenty years, well into the late Sixties. They called themselves the Narco Group and at other times also adopted the other name Addicts Anonymous. We know about that because some of the people that were involved in that group are around today.

An interesting thing came out of the early 1947 group at Lexington, Kentucky, a fellow named Dan Carlson, a chronic relapser. In 1947, he came to Lexington for his 7th trip. He started attending the Narco groups, and for the first time in all his visits he began to feel like maybe there was a ray of hope, that maybe there was a chance that he could stop using. He spent his six-month stay there and then he went back to New York City. There he hooked-up with someone else who quietly on the sides apparently has been a moving force in the development of what later became our Narcotics Anonymous today. Her name was Major Dorothy Barry and she was a Major in the Salvation Army. She was committed to helping poor people, street people, and particularly addicts.

In 1948, Daniel Carlson, another person, and this Major Barry started a 12-Step NA group. They called it Narcotics Anonymous and they started in the New York Federal Prison System. We don’t know what happened to it; it seemed to disappear shortly after.

Apparently though the idea was working at Lexington because in 1948 in Fort Worth, Texas the Federal Narcotics Farm adopted the Lexington model. The Lexington model at that point had become the 12-Steps with the word drugs changed in the First Step.

Dan Carlson relapsed again and he came back to Lexington in 1949, but this time apparently he was able to surrender and find what he needed to find and he stayed clean every since. When he left Lexington later in 1949, he went back to New York and got the Salvation Army to give him a meeting space for a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. He also got a YMCA to give another meeting space for a Narcotics Anonymous meeting.

We know about these things because some of the folks that were there wrote about it. Dan Carlson wrote a book called The Addict. There was another book by a fellow named Winzell Brown called Monkey on my Back and it has a chapter in it called Narcotics Anonymous, and in that chapter he talks about the meeting at the Salvation Army soup kitchen. Another fellow named Father Dan Eagan, who is woven throughout the history of Narcotics Anonymous over the years, wrote a book called Junkie Priest. In here there is a book called Wednesday Night at the Y. He talks about the Wednesday night Narcotics Anonymous meeting at the YMCA.

The thing that it took me a while personally to figure out though is these people weren’t founding fellowships, they were founding groups and calling them Narcotics Anonymous, Narco groups, or Addicts Anonymous. They were pretty independent of each other and they were people that were just striving to help each other. They might have had one or two folks that just thought that this is a good thing and they sort of helped it happen but it wasn’t any kind of a movement it was just independent efforts. In 1950 we know another one of those semi-independent efforts. They called themselves the NOTROL group and they were a 12-Step group started at the Federal Prison in Lorton, Virginia which is right outside of D.C. The name Notrol is Lorton spelled backwards.

The only tie we can see so far to this is that apparently it was graduates of the Lexington, Kentucky Public Health Service Hospital. When they left, wherever they went to or whatever prison they ended-up in, they tended to start groups. They were based on the 12 Steps.

Unrelated to that, in 1950, we also know that there were Habit Forming Drug groups taking place in Los Angeles, California, usually in conjunction with AA meetings. They were also held in homes. The principal person behind them was a lady named Betty Thom. She did a lot of writing. A member of our region used to live up in Vista before he died. Last year a friend of mine and I were allowed to go through some of his books and papers, and he had inches of writing from this HFD group. They had a 12 Step guide. They had a bunch of various articles that were type-written out on pages like maybe a magazine article before it got published or something. They were very committed that the 12 Steps could work for recovery from addiction.

Jimmy Kinnon, the co-founder of Narcotics Anonymous refers to a group called Addicts Anonymous that was taking place in East Los Angeles around this same time around 1950. We don’t know anything about it except for a couple of people I’ve talked to seem to remember that maybe a fellow named Si Malos was involved. Si Malos and Jimmy butted heads for over 15-20 years and the years that followed but apparently they both had a very single purpose and that was recovery from the disease of addiction through Steps.

So from 1950 to 1953, we know that there was various things popping up in different parts of the country. In New York and Chicago, the Salvation Army. In Virginia; Lexington, Kentucky; Texas; and California these individual groups named Addicts Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Narc group, HFD, they were happening. They were oriented to 12-Step recovery from the disease of addiction. Most of them were independent of each other. The only ties we can see are, first off, they weren’t a fellowship they were individual groups, and they were either started by people that came through the Salvation Army system or they were tied to folks that had gone through Lexington Kentucky Public Health Service Hospital.

We also know something else. Lexington Kentucky Public Health Service Hospital published a newsletter. It was called the Key and late on I’ll tell you about how the Key became a part of our history. In 1954, the editor of the Key who was the editor then, I’ve talked to him. He says they had a mailing list of over 90 people, in almost every state.

In 1953, in our Basic Text, Jimmy Kinnon refers to NA beginning around July of 1953. At an anniversary dinner, Jimmy spoke about how for about six weeks they discussed and argued over forming this fellowship and how it was going to be and what it was going to be based on and how it was going to work. We think that this reference to July 1953 is because of those weeks of discussions that they had.

What we have in writing and what we also know about was that on August 17, 1953, a group of people met together for the purpose of forming a fellowship. Now Jimmy was known in the local community in San Fernando Valley as an alcoholic addict. That’s the way he introduced himself in the meeting he went to. There were often meetings after the meetings where they would sit in the coffee shop and talk about the things they couldn’t talk about in the other meetings.

When the people that got together to put together this first fellowship met, they started keeping minutes from day one. We have copies of those minutes here. They begin on August 17, 1953.

The original people consisted of Frank Carnahan, Doris, Carnahan, Guilda Kraus, Paul Rosenbluth, Steve Ryan, and Jimmy Kinnon. They met for the purpose of organizing an AANA group. The name was San Fernando Valley Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. And over the next few months, this committee met regularly, there’s dates about once a week, once every two weeks in here. They drew up a set of bylaws and in a sense we almost started as a service committee before we had our first recovery meeting. What does that tell you? We do know for a fact from the very beginning the Narcotics Anonymous that is our fellowship today consists of 12 Steps, the 12 Traditions. The First Step used the word addiction and the word we was used in each and every step. We were that way from the beginning. They set it up on purpose.

We also know on August 31 there’s an entry in the minutes that our purpose was taken from the Key. Now what they meant by that was this newsletter and this is a Xerox of a copy of this Lexington newsletter and there’s not many that you’ll ever see anymore. This copy came from the National Archives in Atlanta Georgia. A friend went there and dug through a bunch of boxes. The purpose statement that is in this Key was very similar to the wording of the first meeting announcement for the first NA recovery group and I’ll read it to you.

NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS OUR PURPOSE

This is an informal group of drug addicts, banded together to help one another to renew their strength in remaining free of drug addiction. Our precepts are patterned after those of Alcoholics Anonymous to whom all credit is given precedence is acknowledged. We claim no originality but since we believe that the causes of alcoholism and addiction are basically the same, we will to apply to our lives the truths and principles which have benefited so many otherwise helpless individuals. We believe that in so doing we may regain and maintain our health and sanity. Which shall be the purpose of this group to endeavor to foster a means of rehabilitation to the addict, and to carry the message of hope for the future to those who have become enslaved by the use of habit-forming drugs”

Oh, yea, on September 14, 1953, they got a, I’m not sure if they got a letter or a phone call but they heard from the General Service Office of Alcoholics Anonymous. They heard from AA and AA said, You can use our Steps, you can use our Traditions, but you cannot use our name. So they changed the name of the group to Narcotics Anonymous.

October 5, 1953, is the first documented recovery meeting of this Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. And I read for you the flyer that announced this thing, which is a new idea, nobody ever tried to do this quite this way before. It was held at the Dad’s Club, in San Fernando Valley. Today that building still stands it is at the corner of Cantara and Clybourn, I’ve been there. It’s a Spanish Church today. There were 17 people that signed in. I have the sign-in sheet from that original meeting. Those meetings took place every week from then on, at least into the next year and the meetings continued but at a different location in the years that follow.

Ironically though, while we started as a service committee in a sense, by the end of 1953, everybody who had been elected in this committee had resigned, including Jimmy Kinnon. He made fun of it at the 20th Anniversary dinner when he talked about that. They all had their different feelings but the meeting continued.

In March of 1954, Bill Wilson, co-founder of AA wrote a letter to the lady that was instrumental in the HFD group. I’d like to read to you a little bit from that letter because it’s kind of interesting on how that other fellowship was dealing with us. They wanted us to be something too.

Dear Betty,

Thanks a million, make it two million, for your heart-warming letter of March 11th updating me on your progress with addicts. I think this all perfectly wonderful. At this stage, I’m sure that it is the quality that counts rather than the quantity but you have been doing a quality job and inspired other to do likewise is very evident. What can you tell me of the progress of the other groups at Lexington and here in the East going under the names of Addicts Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous? At times, I pick-up very second-hand stories to the effect that we are making progress but not so much as they might if they really came to grips with the 12 Steps and had proper hospitalization.

I’m also interested in knowing how many people you feel you have really straightened up and how those have divided themselves between narcotics, who were once alcoholics and narcotic pure and simple. All of your concern in this work will surely have my warmest appreciation and I hope that you’ll let everyone have the occasion of knowing it. Meanwhile, the main transmission duct of the addict will be from our AA members who have also suffered addiction. And they should surely be allowed attendance at open AA meetings just as anyone else is. One more question. Do any of your recoveries that are straight addiction cases find difficulty in identifying themselves with other AA members? I guess I told you, I’ve noticed in many alcoholics the marked aversion to dope addicts and visa versa. (This is 1954) I wish I could write you the ling letter yours deserves but my desk is piled high. Meantime, may God love dearly, all of you.

Devotedly,

Bill Wilson

Something else happened in 1954: our first literature of Narcotics Anonymous. If you visit the World Service Office, you can see a copy of it in a glass case. It’s called the Yellow Booklet. There was a History Convention last year in Alabama and as token to those that registered and came to the convention they reprinted the Yellow Booklet and thy put a red cover on it so nobody would try to pass it off. There are some interesting things in this original 1954 literature. First off it has 20 questions. “Do you lose time from work due to using? Is using making your home life unhappy? Do you fix because you are shy with other people?” They really cut to the bone here. Some of the other chapter titles are “What can I do about it?” and “What is the Narcotics Anonymous Program?” The 12 Steps are in here and it talks about being powerless over addiction and the word “we” is in every one of the other 12 Steps. The “Just for Today Prayer” is here, from 1954. And what is particularly interesting and helps us know that HFD and the original Narcotics Anonymous were two separate and distinct organizations, is that when I when through that member’s papers up in Vista, we found a copy of the HFD’s Just for Today Prayer that went on for about 3 pages and 20 stanzas. The Just for Today Prayer that’s in this 1954 literature is the same one that’s on your group reading cards today.

There is also something that I take particular interest in, being from Dan Diego. On the inside back cover of this original yellow book, there is two addresses. One of them is a Post Office box in Studio City, California, that is Jimmy Kinnon’s Post Office box. Let me read the other one to you.

Narcotics Anonymous
P.O.Box 13023, South Eastern Station
San Diego, California

That’s right. Narcotics Anonymous has existed in San Diego at least four times that we know of. The fellowship that we see here today sitting in this room is a product of an effort that took place in the late 60’s and the early 1970’s. But in 1954, there is at least one member that came down here and opened up a Post Office Box and called it Narcotics Anonymous. Later on, for those who were at our San Diego Convention three years ago, there is a fellow who came and spoke named Vito. He shared about how in 1962 he came to San Diego to spend some time with his sponsor on a commune that was located out in Alpine. I think that commune just recently moved to San Antonio, Texas. It was in the news. But NAA has been here and it sort of come about and then sort of disappeared into the other fellowship for a while and come about again. If we didn’t exist, someone would have to invent us. The best anyone can tell San Diego is at least the second oldest community of the current fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous.

We also know that Jimmy was in contact with the folks back in Lexington, Kentucky, not only did he apparently get copies of the Key but in 1953, some of the old-timers that are still around remember that there was a collection taken up. Jimmy Kinnon went back to Lexington, Kentucky to participate in some kind of seminar. We don’t really know any more that that except that apparently it did happen.

From 1954 to 1959 there was basically one regular meeting and rabbit meetings. The one regular meeting took place at a Doctor Shrier’s detox center. They nicknamed it Shrier’s Dryer where people could go and dry out. Now Jimmy actually had a real problem with this particular meeting because you see they would go to the meeting and they would raise hands. All the alcoholics would raise their hands and then all the addicts would raise their hands. If there were more alcoholics it was an AA meeting and if there were more addicts it was an NA meeting. Jimmy was really big on the Traditions and he had a real problem with the way that meeting was different each week depending on who was there. But you have to also consider that the community of people that were attending was very small and had to hang very close together. A lot of the meeting that also took place were in people’s breakfast rooms and kitchens and so forth and they pretty much jus kept each other going one at a time.

The other fellowships that I was telling about like in New York and so forth, we also know that they started waning sometime after 1956. Danny Carlson died in 1956. There wasn’t anyone in New York to pick up the ball and continue the meeting he had started. So the best we can tell somewhere after 1956, the New York Narcotics Anonymous just sort of faded away.

In 1959 as the 50’s ended, NA was dwindling because of the fact that you couldn’t know if you were going to an AA meeting or a NA meeting like Shrier’s Dryer on any given night because some of the people had gone out. It was harder to find new people because various personality were starting to get involved there was some conflicts. NA dwindled and in 1959 for about four months there were no Narcotics Anonymous meetings of any kind. It broke Jimmy’s heart and in late 1959 we’re not sure whether December, ’59 or March, 1960, Jimmy K. Determined that this couldn’t be allowed to happen. Jimmy, Sylvia Wexler, and Penny Kennedy restarted Narcotics Anonymous and the vow they made was that they would follow the Traditions more closely. They felt that the reason it had faded away, the reason there had been personality conflicts was because there had been big shots and big mamas, I guess Betty Thom was the big mama and Si Malos might have been the big shot. The only way that they could survive as a fellowship is if they scrupulously followed the 12 Traditions, particularly the anonymity part.

Interesting to mention, a well-known member of our fellowship, Bob B. First found NA back in this time frame of 1959. His wife who happens to be here today had attended an Alanon meeting and met Jimmy Kinnon’s first wife whose name was Alice. Alma brought Bob B. to his first meetings. Bob didn’t stay clean then though.

1959 to 1962, the meeting moved from Shrier’s. Jimmy wanted to get away from the old influence and they moved to what was then a Unity church on Moorepark Street, in Van Nuys. That is the location of what later became the only NA meeting in the world and favorite story of a lot of us. There were also rabbit meetings that took place at people’s houses but in 1960 there was on basic meeting of Narcotics Anonymous.

Also in 1960, Jimmy Kinnon apparently maybe listed Narcotics Anonymous in the local phone book and we call that the first answering service that was ever established for Narcotics Anonymous.

1962, our first Little White Book appeared. This is the Little White Booklet that has evolved into the Little White Book today.

In 1963 the first H & I meeting was held. It was held at Tahachapi State Penitentiary. Bob B. happened to be one of the people they were bringing the meeting to, he was in Tahachapi at the time. He got the message and it sunk in this time, he got out in ’63 and he started attending meetings from mid-1963 on and that’s where he dates his clean time. I mention him because I know many of you know him and love him.

Also in 1963 we have some indication either ’62 or ’63 we have indication that there was a restart of Narcotics Anonymous in San Diego and we know of people that visited the meetings herein that time. They were either at the commune or apparently they like in a coffee shop after another fellowships meetings. 1963 is also when Jimmy Kinnon wrote what became the pamphlet, Another Look. This is a copy of the original typewritten manuscript. And on the last page there are the letters JPK.

From the beginning we have the Little Yellow Book that had some literature. But particularly from the days of 1967 Sylvia Wexler, Penny Kennedy and Jimmy, literature was important to Narcotics Anonymous, if we didn’t have numbers of people at least we could pass it on in writing and one person could give it to another. And much of our writing took place during that time frame. Our early writing it’s the White Book.

The Salvation Army also is back in the picture in 1962. They started something in Cleveland that they called Narcotics Anonymous. I always get a kick out of this. This original Cleveland, Ohio Narcotics Anonymous from 1963 had 13 Steps. I’d like to read them to you.

Narcotics Anonymous the 13 Steps

1. Admit the use of narcotics made my life seem more tolerable but the drug had become an undesirable power over my life.
2. Came to realize that to face life without drugs I must develop an inner strength.
3. Made a decision to face the suffering of withdrawal.
4. Learn to accept my fears without drugs.
5. Find someone who had progressed thus far and who is able to assist me. (Sound a little familiar?)
6. Admit to the nature and depth of my addiction. (It’s amazing how it parallels but it’s not the same.)
7. Realized the seriousness of my shortcomings as I know them and accept the responsibility of facing them.
8. Admit before a group of NA members these same shortcomings and explain why I am trying to overcome them.
9. List for my own understanding all the persons I have hurt.
10. Take a daily inventory of my actions and admit to myself those that are contrary to good conscience.
11. Realize that to maintain freedom from drugs, I must share with others the experience in which I have benefited.
12. Determine a purpose in life and try with all the spiritual and physical power within me to move toward its fulfillment.
13. God help me.

Next time you’re at a convention and someone yells, 13! you can always say, God help me.

Apparently some months after that original new letter with those original thirteen steps was published, the Cleveland group was brought back into the party line of Salvation Army’s view of it, and they published their own little pamphlet and it’s got a set of twelve steps that look like the ones from New York. They used the word drugs in stead of addiction and they don’t have the word We in each of the Twelve Steps.

In 1964 we believe the Board of Trustees was formed. The dates are kind of fuzzy because they didn’t write a lot of things down in those days. Jimmy Kinnon knew he couldn’t do it all by himself. One of his original people had gone out. The other one was left with him. The main purpose of the Board of Trustees founding was to see that NA doesn’t die again. That was the main purpose for establishing the Board of Trustees. You’ve got to remember that in the 1960’s, Jimmy said that they would stick to the Traditions. The roll of our Trustees being the guardian of the Traditions seems to come from this early era. The early experience that if we didn’t stick to the Traditions we’d disappear. And what better way to embody that than to have a group of people rather than an individual.

We also know in 1965 Northern California Narcotics Anonymous begins. One of the real stalwarts in San Fernando in those days was a lady named Sylvia Magdelano and she had two brothers, Frank and I forget the other’s name (Hank). They moved to Berkley. They and someone else named Vargas started a place called the Add Center. The meeting in Berkley, Oakland, San Francisco and San Jose all draw their lineage from the movement of these folks in 1965 up to Berkley.

1966: I want to read you some things that will probably interest you. That was the second printing of out Little White Book and this time it had the stories in it. The widow of our co-founder and our co-founder himself at various times indicated who wrote what and when. I’d like to tell you a little about that.

"Who Is An Addict?" was written by Jimmy Kinnon in 1960

"What I The NA Program?" written by Jimmy Kinnon and Sylvia Wexler in 1960.

"Why are we Here?" was written by Sylvia Wexler in 1960

"How It Works." the paragraphs before and after the Step were written by Jimmy K. Again the Steps having the word addiction and the word We in each and every Step and the Traditions using the word addict all dated from 1953.

"What Can I Do?" was written by Jimmy Kinnon in 1960.

"Recovery and Relapse" was Jimmy Kinnon’s story and he wrote that in 1960.

"We Do Recover" which was read by Steve at the beginning of this workshop, was written by Jimmy Kinnon in 1961.

Now some of the other people I’m going to list are still living, so I’m only going to give a first name. The ones that are deceased I’ll give the first and last name.

"1/3 of My Life" was written in 1962 by Bill P., who is still living.

"I Can’t Do Anymore Time" was written by Penny Kennedy in 1962.

"The Vicious Circle" was written in 1962 by a gentleman named Gene who is still living.

"Something Meaningful" was written by Bob B. I’ve called around and talked to a lot of old-timers and nobody knew who wrote it until last Thursday night when I happened to talk to the person that wrote it. Bob happens to be the only person whose story is in two different places under two different names written at two different times in his life. His story is also in the Basic Text, "I Found The Only NA Meeting In The World." I asked him how is it that he rewrote his story. He replied, "Different times, different eras, and different me." It’s a good answer! Personally, I believe that it’s very fitting that we honor this particular person this way.

There’s another story that was in the ’62 book that you don’t see today. It’s called "One Woman’s Story" and was written by Betty Gruber. They took the story out in 1976 because she went back out.

Back in 1966 our fledgling fellowship had 10 meetings. We also know that in 1967 in the Louisiana State Prison in Angola, Louisiana the Federal Prison System, the Public Health Service was getting involved again and they started another Narcotics Anonymous. They printed a newsletter which I’ve seen copies of in various places it’s more recent I guess and more copies were sent out. They have articles in this newsletter about addict convicts going out doing public information speeches and all kinds of stuff. They pretty much seem to have found this NA that they started in Louisiana as a way to document the success of their ability to recover people from addiction.

In 1967 and ’68, the Parent General Service Organization was formed. It operated much like a Regional Service Committee. The Board of Trustees met with GSRs each moth. It was the representative Service Committee.

In 1968 Jimmy Kinnon designed the NA Symbol, the diamond and the circle that you see. He was in the hospital, he suffered from emphysema and cancer for many, many years, often he was in and out of the hospital for periods of time. He felt we needed a logo or symbol.

In 1969 our then Board of Trustees put together a two-page document called the Service Structure Ideal. Later that same year they put forth the Parent General Service Organization bylaws. They are mostly interesting from a historical perspective that we started writing down the shape of our service structure.

In 1970 we know that we had twenty meetings and if you went to a Narcotics Anonymous in 1970 the group readings would of looked like this. They have "The Twelve Steps", "The Twelve Traditions" and the third paragraph of the chapter of "We Do Recover" on it. This sheet is what was used in the beginning of meetings.

In 1971 the first World Convention was held at the La Miranda Country Club. Sylvia Madgelano from Northern California was the speaker. As much as there were rifts back and forth between the Southern California Fellowship and the Northern California Fellowship there were also efforts to mend the wounds. This was one of those efforts. There wasn’t a real flyer for this first World Convention, what happened is the Board of Trustees sent out a letter saying, "Dear Friends, this letter is your invitation to our Narcotics Anonymous conference to be held on the weekend of November 5th and 7th at the La Mirada Country Club." They wanted to try and do something to foster unity.

I have a copy of a 1971 Southern California meeting list, it’s got 26 meetings on it, it happens to mention for San Diego information write O. L. Murdock, whoever that is. There are meetings all over from San Diego to Ventura listed on this meeting list.

In 1971 the WSO got its first location. It’s a big yellow building sitting near the corner of I-10 and Crenshaw up in L.A., 2335 Crenshaw Blvd. was the address. Bob B. was the manager of that place, he apparently lived in the other part of the apartment building and there was some office spaces in the front of it. That’s the first address that the WSO ever had.

In 1972 there were 70 Narcotics Anonymous meetings worldwide. That included some on military bases in Germany.

In 1972 Alcoholics Anonymous told Jimmy not to use an adaptation of their prayer, "I Am Responsible". Jimmy had taken that prayer and changed the AA to NA and AA didn’t like that. You can use the Steps and you can use the Traditions but you can’t use our name and you can’t use our literature. So Jimmy wrote "The Gratitude Prayer". I’ve had people tell me that it didn’t sound like a prayer, but you know maybe it’s just our western culture or maybe it’s recovering Catholics but I’ve discovered prayers don’t have to be a petitioning. They can be a simple statement. "I show my gratitude when I care and when I share with others the NA way."

In 1972 the second World Convention was held at the Elks Club in Studio City, N. Hollywood.

In 1973 the first Area Service Committee was formed. Something interesting Jimmy was there and he talked about the idea of a representative service structure of GSRs. This was a controversial thing because the Parent General Service Organization had their monthly meeting the general service meeting and there were like 33 groups in L.A. at the time and maybe 12 of them would show up and they would talk about the color of balloons they would have at the dance. I’ve got a tape of this thing and this is the kind of stuff that they mentioned. The folks up in San Fernando wanted to form together to better meet their local needs and just send one representative down to the GSO meeting and he could just vote on the things that came up that might apply to San Fernando Valley and not worry about the color of the balloons. Jimmy also talked in this meeting about NA Principles of Service. They were from that original 2-page Service Structure Idea of 4 years previous. He reads them off on the tape.

"The Six Principles of Service"

1. Each NA Group has but one primary purpose: To carry this message to the addict who still suffers.
2. Every NA Group ought to be fully self-supporting.
3. NA should remain forever nonprofessional.
4. Although NA as such ought never be organized, but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.
5. Our leaders are but trusted servants, they do not govern.
6. We try to carry this message to addicts and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Yes it is familiar, they’re taken from Traditions 5, 7, 8, 9, 2, and the 12th Step. But again Jimmy was very much about sticking to the Traditions.

In 1973 the 3rd World Convention was held in San Jose, the first time it left Southern California. Also in 1973 there was a 20th Anniversary Banquet. There’s a flyer for it on the table back there, that’s an original flyer, they didn’t have Xerox machines back then they used mimeograph. That’s why it’ got this blue ink on it. Jimmy spoke at that particular banquet dinner, he talked a little bit about some of the early days. He was very careful in what he said but you can a feel for a little bit of what he’s talking about. He sort of gives you fundamental understanding of partly why the Traditions meant so much to him because apparently there had been a lot of personality conflicts during the 50’s.

In 1974 the WSO moved to Highland Avenue, Hollywood. Again they would move again a few times over the next couple of years. Also in 1974 separate from the WSO, the Southern California Regional Office was established in L.A.

OK, I got to end up here pretty quick, I’d just like to mention that, through the 70’s was when we began developing our service structure. That also at the end of the 70’s when we began working on our Basic Text. There are samples back on the table of the original NA Tree and the 2nd edition Tree and there is also examples from the flyer from the World Literature Conferences at the end of the 70’s. Copies of the Gray Form which was the review form of the Basic Test. Just to give you a little bit of taste of what it was like taking to some of these people, we have a movie video of the co-founder of Narcotics Anonymous sitting in his home talking to the camera. If someone can dim the lights, it would probably make it a lot easier to see. I think it will kind of help you get a taste of what I was talking about earlier.

(video of Jimmy Kinnon plays)

My name is Phil, I’m an addict. First of all, I’d like to thank Scott for a phenomenal job. I thought, it’s weird, I’ve come and spoke before you people a number of times and I’ve really never been that anxious about it. I’ve thought a lot over the last few weeks about Jimmy and what I was going to say here today. It’s easier to come up here and talk about yourself, I mean that’s what my favorite topic is. It’s not that easy to talk about a man who saved my life. I was semi-okay till I saw the tape; I hadn’t seen this tape.

At that point, Jimmy was dying. At that point, Jimmy had been locked out of our World Service Office and thrown basically out of the service structure of Narcotics Anonymous. At that point, Jimmy was pretty much a broken man. Jimmy was my friend. Jimmy was probably the only father I’ve known in my whole life. When I was 3 days clean my sponsor took me from the recovery house and took me over to the World Service Office, which was a little room they showed at the beginning of that tape. There was that wiry guy that’s bigger than life. I don’t know how to explain that, he wasn’t much taller than me and he couldn’t have weighed much more than a 120 pounds but if you got in his face you were in big trouble. That’s all I can tell you. It was incredible because I came in there and I came in like most of us came in, after 2 ½ years of drug addiction non-stop. I came in like most of us, just brimming over with self-worth and he was in the midst of doing something and I don’t remember exactly what, there were papers flying and UPS books out and pamphlets folded and he dropped it all and the says, “Hi, what’s your name?” I was the most important person in that room at that minute. I kind of flexed up about it, I didn’t you know, I first of all didn’t know who the crazy man was, and second of all why was I so important he took me into his kitchen, that little kitchen table they showed and him and his wife Betty asked me who I was and how I had gotten clean and all that. From that time on, all I can tell you is that I got to know two of the most wonderful people in my life.

Jimmy’s belief was that no addict seeking recovery should die without the chance to recover. He lived that. He didn’t just talk it and he didn’t just write literature about it, he lived it. You heard of what he did and you’ve heard of what he’s written, maybe it wasn’t mentioned but he also carved the NA logo on a piece of leather when he was in the hospital with tuberculosis. In that tape the tuberculosis had damaged so much of his lings that he got lung cancer. Because there was such minimal amount of lung left they couldn’t go in and kill the lung cancer with lasers so he was dying and that’s when he rekindled the desire to try to give us a little bit of history about Narcotics Anonymous.

He’s also been so busy in the solution of watching Narcotics Anonymous grow. His goal was to see Narcotics Anonymous ten thousand members strong. When I went into service after he had died, there were twenty thousand meetings of Narcotics Anonymous in the world. I don’ think he ever knew that there were that many because he was always striving to get more. For many years, I never knew that Jimmy wrote all the literature, basically all the literature. You know why? Because he never mentioned it. He was too busy telling me “How you doing Phil? We were too busy trying to get an old printing press to print our IPs and things like that.

I spent probable three days a week about a half a day at the World Service Office for the first year and a half of my recovery, I was on the Board of Directors of the WSO but it wasn’t so much like a service commitment as it was like being part of the family. When you’re in Jimmy’s house and with his wife and the people that were volunteers you worked your ass off. We folded all the information pamphlets by hand. We did all that stuff. No one showed up. There were about four or five of us that went on a regular basis and you didn’t get paid but yet you go paid in your heart. Jimmy used to come by the recovery house that I was in, I can’t mention the name of it, but it was one of the oldest in the California area, maybe the nation. He had privileged card number one at this recovery house. He used to come by and get me and take me over to his house and sometimes what we’d do that day was work on a Mustang that had two hundred thousand miles on it and should of been in a junkyard about a hundred ago. The neat part was that I don’t have all these notes and things but the neat part was Jimmy. Jimmy was like I said, bigger that life, and I think that’s why you see it and you feel it in this program. This program is a part of him. He used to sit there and I’d be under there trying to adjust something that were all the way down or something and had no adjustments left and he’d tell me something like, “Phil you know you can never go back.” That would go right over my head but I knew it was heavy you know. He’d tell you stuff that you just knew if you take this and keep it, someday it would be useful. Sometimes he would tell me things that applied right then and there.

I don’t know man, Jimmy gave me a great honor when I had about 6 months clean he let me start doing the UPS mailing. Believe me that was a great honor. Jimmy didn’t delegate thing to people easily, he wanted it done right which ended up being his demise. He le me do the mailing and then he started letting me answer letters from people around the world. One of the first letters I answered was from a gentleman from Calgary that was trying to start a meeting, he’d heard of Narcotics Anonymous and he sent a letter down asking for information. Jimmy handed it to me and says, "Go for it!" I said, "You sure?" I hadn’t been clean that long. I think I had about 8 months then. He says, "Yea!" I sat down and wrote the guy a letter back and he had said that he was trying to get Narcotics Anonymous started up there and he didn’t know anything about it. He wanted to know about it. So I mailed him a starter kit and I wrote a letter in there and I told him that, how we got 30 meetings down here in San Fernando Valley and they’re 60 people strong. Some of them have been around for 20 years. Addicts are recovering and I wrote and sent the letter off and it came almost within a week. He said, "I did what you told me, I got a meeting hall, a little place in a church. I make the coffee every week. I read that literature you gave me and then I sit down and I write you and that’s my sharing." I wrote this man on and off for like 6 months or so. What happened about the end of 6 months, I didn’t hear from him for 4 or 5 months. He was getting real disillusioned because no one would show up for the meetings and things. I guess maybe it gave me a feel for how Jimmy and some of the people like Sylvia felt when Narcotics Anonymous fell apart.

One day I’d come to the office and Jimmy goes, here you got a letter. I was from this guy from Calgary. I opened it up and the letter was kind of scratchy and wasn’t well-written and I thought the guy went out and he said, "Phil, I’m sorry I haven’t written you. Just wanted you to know that I’ve been real busy. I did like you told me, I passed out all that literature at the hospitals and the jails and stuff. Now, there’s five members of Narcotics Anonymous in Calgary. Now I have 7 months clean and we’re going strong. We have 3 meetings a week." You know I knew how Jimmy felt right then.

I don’t know. I’ve watched this program work. I’ve watched Jimmy work. I had to go to Jimmy’s house when he was dying. That’s why it was hard for me to see that tape. He used to cough and blood would come up. I guess I should give you just a little bit of history, as I know it. There was a large rift between the east and the west on the NA book. Jimmy Kinnon did not believe that the NA book was ready yet. He believed there was editing that needed to be done on the original transcript. There’s a lot of things that were a little bit splotched and kind of slapped together. He believed that things should come out right. I don’t believe it was for any selfish means whatsoever but then again that’s my personal opinion. I personally believed that we needed a book. But I’m an addict, I want what I want, now! Jimmy believed that it should wait, that it should be put together correctly and it should be edited. It should be released only when it’s ready. He said it was better to have just the right book other than the wrong book out there. That became a war between the Board of Trustees and the area back east. I’m not sure exactly what happened, I know that the World Service Office moved out of his home. He agreed to that and he was made office manager. It was a little office up on Vine but not far away. After he worked up there for four or five months, he got to a point where he had them going all in the right direction and had all of the literature organized and everything. He showed up to work one Monday and they had changed the locks on the door. That’s how we thank our founder. I went over to Jimmy’s and I just wanted to kick ass, I’m going to tell you. I wanted to go to that office, knock the fucking doors down and make those people accountable. Jimmy said, "Sit down. That’s the problem with you, you got as bad a temper as I do." We sat and we talked and Jimmy had been crying and I knew he told me something that was real important when he said that nothing happens in this world by accident. He said that he could find a way to accept it and that he held no one personally responsible. I don’t know if I, I obviously couldn’t do quite that well. I know that I’ve seen a T-shirt that says I’m alive today because of Jimmy K. If you would have known him, you’d know that’s true. We’re obligated to find the history of Narcotics Anonymous, we’re obligated like Scott did: to realize that we didn’t just come out of nowhere. We’re not EST, we’re not Synanon, we’re Narcotics Anonymous. Where addicts can and do recover. Where there is support groups worldwide.

I remember when Jimmy got the first meeting started behind the Iron Curtain, Czechoslovakia. That’s one of the happiest times I’ve eve seen him. I remember when he got the first meeting started in the Philippines. I remember I went over that day and he was just lit up. I remember going there the last 6 months of his life, I watched him be a little more dead each time I went. I remember when he too, I mean he was on medication, the pain was horrendous and he was going to a doctor on a regular basis and they were going down his throat with tubes and scoped and pipes and everything else. He never cried or sniveled or whined. It wasn’t his way. He’d reach into his heart and he found more room to do more service for Narcotics Anonymous. That’s when he decided to make a tape of the History of Narcotics Anonymous. The man was gallant! We should be very proud. When he died there was a wonderful service. I was there. I remember one guy getting up and he said, "If you Jimmy, you’d know this was special". He had decided to start a recovery unit and he’d used Narcotics Anonymous and Jimmy Kinnon’s name to get funding for this recovery unit. I think we talked about the principles and how Jimmy believed in them. Jimmy said, "I’ll meet you for dinner." He sat across from this man and told him, "Right now the red sauce in this spaghetti isn’t as dark as the blood in my eye for you. You never violate Narcotics Anonymous." That was Jimmy. He believed in Narcotics Anonymous. He loved Narcotics Anonymous and as far as I know he’s one of the best friends I ever had. There’s a tape of his sharing at one of the first, maybe the only club we’ve ever had. I’m not going to ramble on, I just want us to know that somewhere in our book, someday maybe in the 10th or 11th edition we need the story of Narcotics Anonymous. Look what the hold for Bill W. and Dr. Bob. I believe Jimmy did a lot more that those guys did. It wasn’t easy and if you came here in ’69 like I did for the first time and there were only 2 Narcotics Anonymous meetings in the whole world. If you had to go to those other meetings and you were told not to share, you’d realize how special in San Diego alone, when I came down and there were 5 meetings and today there’s close to 300. You’ve got to understand what it’s like in his day, in his era, not to have a meeting to go to. To have to start your own meeting, to have to start your own fellowship. Think how many of us in this room have that ability. Once again, I just want to say he was a special man. He was my friend. He gave me my 2-year clean cake. I’ll never forget him. He’ll always live as long as he lives in our hearts. Let’s make people know who Jimmy K. was where Narcotics Anonymous came from. Thank you.